The Store Speech That Should Have Been

Yesterday, Josh and I hosted our first small dinner party at the apartment. Well, I should say we had a couple from our bible study over for dinner so I used all our new dishes, tablecloth, and stemware with a floral arrangement in the center and three courses of delicious fare. Because I'm a lady, that's why.

After work and before prep, I had stopped by the local HEB to purchase a few small items for the dinner (glazed pecans, champagne, goat cheese, you know, the usual) And decided to pick up a few items for the home too. Namely, bananas. I have been dying to try the dessert recipe in which you basically sautee the delectable yellow fruit in cinnamon and honey. Brilliant, easy, and delicious (hopefully). 

With this end in mind, I strolled through the fruit area and picked up a bunch of bananas. Almost immediately after I had finished the onerous task of wrestling the fruit into a plastic bag and securing the top, I realized I had made a huge mistake. The bananas I had just secured were...organic. 

*cue dramatic music*

I don't buy organic. Why? Because its the biggest rip off in agriculture today. Sorry hippies, but the fact that people want to pay double for fruit that is to weak to survive on its own, causing the producer to loose a significant portion of the crop and therefor jack up the price is ridiculous. Give me strong solid GM fruit, or even a product that has actually been cared for with regular fertilization and pesticides to protect the fruit. That's fine with me. But I digress. 

So there I was standing in the grocery store holding the bag of wasted money, wondering what to do. I could now see the regular bananas (26 cents cheaper/fruit), but in order to buy those, I would have to unpack this fruit and put it back in front of all of HEB and God. I stood paralyzed by indecision and strapped for time, (After all, I had a dinner to prepare) and in the heat of the moment I did something I'm not proud of, I bought the Organic Bananas to avoid scrutiny. 

As I'm sitting here at my desk eating one of these little monsters for snack, it occurs to me in great detail what I should have done. I should have stood on the display, bananas held high and cried out like a voice in the desert of agricultural misinformation:

"People of League City HEB, you are being robbed! You are buying fruit that is ridiculously overpriced. You don't like your food modified? Let me tell you about the banana. The banana naturally has hard black seeds which can crack your teeth, ma'am, do you see any seeds in this banana?" 

*viciously opens fruit* 

"NO! Because the banana has been bred into a sterile triploid which keeps it from having seeds. There are no naturally seeded bananas in this store. They have all been modified by the hand of man in a breeding program."

*jumps down*

*drops sacked bananas onto display*

*sashays over to regular banana stand*

*holds a bunch aloft*

"This is freedom, ladies and gentlemen. Freedom."

Cutest Couple Photo Contest

So here's the deal. I have no shame. I entered a picture of Josh and I into The Eagle's Cutest Couple Contest and WE WANT TO WIN. To that end, here is the link where you can vote for us (you're allowed up to five votes per day until Valentine's Day)

Heather & Josh for World Domination


Here are 10 reasons you should vote for us with photographic evidence:


1. We just got married and it was really awesome.

2. When Josh asked me to marry him, he did it with a picture book, that he spent hours making, about us.

3. We sometimes dress like fiesta hoodlums.

4.These are our friends.

5. I once took Josh on a surprise date to Lake Bryan where we painted. These paintings now hang in our living room.

6.We look awesome in sunglasses.

7.Josh sent me a bouquet of my favorite mechanical pencils on my first day of work.

8. This is how we "touch noses" when given that command at a photo shoot.

9. We do great Raptor impressions.

10. We would be really grateful to win!

So vote Josh & Heather Lucas for Cutest Couple!

Thanks and gig'em.

What to Wear: The Married Woman's Guide to Fabulous

So you're married or about to be. You look through your closet, probably as you're either packing up your possessions from your soon to be former home or packing for your honeymoon (yes, you're over packing. no, you don't have enough underwear), and suddenly, you wonder, is this right? I mean, what do married women wear? Should my choices be different? Are some things I own no longer appropriate? AM I ONLY GOING TO WEAR APRONS AND T-SHIRTS FROM NOW ON??

*SMACK*

Calm yourself. There is a fool proof, four question method to determining if your married outfit is up to snuff. It goes something like this:

1. Would YOU wear it?

Your married wardrobe is not an immediate call to abandon your style and start buying something that is weirdly foreign on your body. Frankly, the only things that will get you is quizzical looks from your spouse, an inability to recognize yourself in the mirror, and the extreme and utter terror of whatever animal you share your space with, none of these being desirable outcomes. Instead, channel your inner Tina Fey. If you feel like strolling around town in a jacket and jeans, own it! If you feel like you need to let your wild side run in a showgirl outfit, why not? Going out to an awesome event? Wear an awesome dress, because YOU are AWESOME. (chances are this is one of the reasons your spouse married you.)

Because you're married and why not?

Because you're cool.

Because you're fab.

2. Is your wardrobe honoring to your husband?

True life, I definitely took some things to Plato's Closet when I got married, because lets be real, I'm not 18, a freshman in college, or trying to get some free enchiladas next Friday. This isn't to say that you aren't hot, mildly crazy, or that you won't be getting free enchiladas next Friday (date night!) but it is to say that you already caught him so your ahem, "assets" can be saved for a different medium*. An excellent example of honoring beauty can be found in Kate Middleton aka Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. EVERYTHING SHE WEARS IS GORGEOUS. Period. However, she is also very classy and her husband, her family, and the nation she will eventually help lead, don't feel like she gives them a bad name.

General Awesomeness

3. Is your outfit doing it for your husband?

If you've made it to this step, you've established that your ensemble is emblematic of your personality, and that it honors your man, but real talk, is is doing anything for him? I mean, when you walked out to breakfast did his jaw drop? Did he check you out? Did he chivalrously** offer to meet up on your lunch break? For this effect we look to Amanda Abbington, Martin Freeman's wife. She does what she wants, she's hot, she's classy, and he digs it. Get. It. Girl.

Rawr.

Yeah, he's showing off.

"We're only here as long as we have to be!"

4. Am I able to confidently represent Jesus Christ while I'm wearing this outfit?

Really, this is the glue for the whole exercise. Let me break it down:

First, as a Christian, I find my identity in Christ. Not Josh, but Christ. In 1 Peter 2:9 we are told that:

 "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." 

If this is our identity in Christ, then shouldn't my clothes be reflective of an heir to Heaven? Shouldn't they display the personality of someone who is richly blessed and extremely grateful, someone who was called out from darkness and given gifts to use for His kingdom? This probably means that I don't need to wear T-shirts which brand me with my sins, like greed and sexual immorality, but that tasteful patterns or pictures of the Grumpy Cat are probably okay.

Totally fine.

Second, as a Christian wife, I am called to honor my husband. 1 Peter 3:5 states that,

"For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands"

According to this scripture, the best way to adorn myself is with respect to Josh and to that end, I seek to present myself in such a way that his honor is not called into question by my fashion choices. So no, I probably don't want to rock that sheer black bodysuit made only of lace and strategically placed ribbon trim out to a company party. My classic grey dress with a reasonable neckline is probably a better option.

Definitely honoring, but hot.

Finally, in being married to Josh, we are called together to enjoy each other. Proverbs 5:18-19 leaves little up for debate in stating,

"Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.  As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times ; Be exhilarated always with her love."


I can certainly take that command! Good thing I saved that black bodysuit I mentioned before for our bedroom.

Obviously me.

Moral of the story, to dress effectively as a wife, you should definitely aim for a combination of Tina, Kate, and Amanda, but in order to do it well, you absolutely must be respecting the Lord, and yourself as his prized creation.

"Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my treasured possession among all peoples, for all the earth is mine"
-Exodus  19:5










* Stars for Sex

Food Foundations

Josh and I feast like kings. Every. Single. Day.

There I said it. Cat's out of the bag. Truth hurts. I can't help that we are like kitchen gods making sweet culinary love. I apologize for nothing. Except to the food experts on Virgin Health Miles. To you, my sincerest apologies.

So I know when we started out on this whole "get healthy using Josh's work incentives plan so we make money and look super hot by July 4th like American Barbie and Ken" I seemed committed. I may have even given the impression that I was "all in", however, I sincerely apologize, because upon further review, I don't think I'll be able to meet your standards. Listed below are my new amended resolutions as far as our relationship is concerned. I hope you understand.

1. I will not stop using Tony Chachere's. It is delicious in everything. I don't care how much sodium is in it.

2. I will attempt to buy the low fat things at the grocery store if they taste EXACTLY the same as the  regular.

3. I will continue to upload recipes onto your database which are slightly less than healthy as an act of kindness towards those who have become so embroiled in your scheme that they no longer make brownies. Bless their hearts.

4. I will make an effort to exercise more and to that end I have taken up tennis with Josh who is kind enough to hit infinite balls at me as I race around the court like this dog. (but I get A LOT of steps on the pedometer!)

5. I will endeavor to eat only one serving of KB's famous rice chicken bake, but I make no promises.

6. I will not log in "acrobatic group activity" (if you catch my drift) as my only exercise each week.

7. I will make more vegetable side items with real spices rather than just pan fried or with cheese.

8. I will find ways to enjoy avocados (since apparently they are a super food) which are not deep fried or Guacamole.

9. I will be sure (within reason) to take care of both Josh and I so that we can enjoy many years together.

10. I will remember that we already look like American Barbie and Ken and as Josh says, "We are in this for the money, if we get fit, its a bonus."

We know we look good.

Real Good.

Married Good.

UPDATE:

After reading this entry, this is what Josh made us for dinner.
Because he cares.