The Tree Trial

Over the course of the last two weeks, my family Christmas tree has been erected. This may sound like quite an event, and let me assure you that it is a grueling adventure filled with hard labor, high stakes, and violent emotions. ( I should also mention that the first three phases are completed by my father, as is traditional. Hence where the saying, "bringing home the Christmas Tree" originates.)

To start the process, my dad retrieves our 15 year old, false, tree from the basement, where it has lain for the past year and airs it out in the backyard. Once it has settled (and we are certain there are no nests) my father sets about the task of painstakingly replacing all the branches (approximately 24/year) which have fallen off while in storage. In this step my father begins to wonder why we still have the tree, but quietly.

Once this first phase is completed, the tree is brought inside in four pieces. These pieces are stacked together over the course of about five hours. This time is very important as two of the pieces are the exact same size and shape and must have their positions switched at least nine times during the building phase in order insure accuracy and introduce the element of heart attack danger and infuriated screaming. At this point, more questions on the legitimacy of the tree are raised, but squashed by my determined dad.

In the third phase of Christmas tree prep, we add the lights. Every year we put about 7 strands of multicolored Christmas lights around our 10 or 12 foot tree (depending on who measures and the stacking method that year, the height varies) to get the maximum light effect. Every year we test each strand and usually replace at least one bulb or complete strand. This is occasionally the phase where all common sense is called into question and cursing escalates, but perseverance wins out (you got this, Dad!).

The fourth and final phase is the decorative phase. In this phase we actually enjoy ourselves and settle into the Christmas spirit as we reminisce over memories and ornaments and usually have a glass(es) of wine. This year I was burdened with "work things" and "wedding things" and was "out of town" for the first three phases, but made certain to be home for arguably, the most important day of the decorating process to lend my help and to sacrifice Josh as tribute to the Christmas tree.

This year I procured the job of ornament unpacking and hook addition with my dad, while Josh drew the short stick and was on ladder duty with my brother. The guys did a fabulous job picking up, carrying to the top, and placing a record number of ornaments until the foliage was immersed in sparkling baubles. As we stepped back to admire our handiwork (Phase five) my father realized that the bottom strand of lights had gone out and alerted Josh to the situation.

"WHAT IS THIS, TECHNOLOGY?! What's it been, 40 years?? We've put a man on the moon, and sell pre-sliced bread, be we can't make a strand of Christmas lights that survives the loss of one bulb?? GET IT TOGETHER!"

You could say that the men in my family feel strongly about their decorations, and that they are always the best. To you, we tip our eggnog. God bless us, everyone.

Epic MacDonald Tree