After enjoying a lovely and rousing brunch this past weekend at Tiny Boxwoods (apparently a Houston brunch institution) with our dear friends TM & JM, I am honored to offer the following tips and tricks for navigating swanky garden themed brunches. These are for you, sweet heathens. Fake it 'til you make it.
DO wear fashionable clothes in spring time colors. This indicates that you understand and appreciate the brunching pleasure.
DO NOT go for athletic gear, unless of course you have just completed a 10 K, "for the children", in which case color coordinating sports wear is acceptable.
DO check online for driving and parking directions. There is no need to annoy fellow brunchers by driving up and down the street trying to figure out how to park for 20 min. It's rude.
DO NOT turn your back for one second while trying to discretely hold a table for your party before it has been cleared. There is always someone older and more pretentious ready to prey on the younger and less socialized. Get it in your head: This Brunch is Sparta.
DO assert your position in the ordering counter line. This sets a precedence for your commitment and determines your position in the brunch hierarchy. Trust me, you don't want to be at the bottom of the brunch totem pole.
DO NOT ask for prices on menu items before ordering. It may say "moderately priced" online, but that does not mean that this is not a classy institution which holds itself above petty dollar signs in presentation. It also does not mean that they are above charging you your first born for mimosas, but you can't really know that, since there are no prices.
DO enjoy the people watching. This is a dynamic and exciting locale which integrates young professionals, college students, young families, southern belles, city folk, old money, and naturalists. Oh, and don't forget the puppies. It is not to be missed.
DO NOT make jokes about not having to worry about how much bacon you can eat because you plan to have a DNR in your old age when the table next to you may be able to hear. They may not share your offbeat sense of humor and may be mildly horrified.
DO enjoy the mimosas. Even when the waiter asks in a slightly judgmental way if you really want another one. They are bottomless, they cost me my firstborn, and they are weak, also this is an outdoor venue and I would hate to be parched. Thank you, James. That will be all for now.
DO NOT underestimate how long you can brunch for. Between all the catching up with friends, enjoying treats, taking in the scenery, soaking up the springtime sun, and the bottomless mimosas, this is not an averagely timed food outing.
DO brunch. It's a blast. It's different from the average activity, and it's a great chance to relax with people you care about and have few laughs. We definitely recommend the adventure.
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